I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
