Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize