I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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