if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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