Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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