sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
