I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
