Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
