I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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