my phone needs a breathalizer
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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