Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
