Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
