I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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