it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
