I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You made out with two different species that night
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize