fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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