I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
