I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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