Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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