ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
