I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
