sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
