you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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