Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
