Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
