Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
