Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
