I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
