Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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