he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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