I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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