Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
