I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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