alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
