Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
