explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
