just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dick very happy bro
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
