I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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