Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wish there were birth control emojis
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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