She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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