that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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