i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
