apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Randomize
