my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
