either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
