theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
