I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
