her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
