nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
