hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
