i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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