And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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