I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my being single is dangerous.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
