i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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