I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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