he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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