Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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