I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
