is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
