Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
