I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Randomize
