i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
ok first of all what the fuck
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
