Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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