we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
