Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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